people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
