I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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