So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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