Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize