Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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