I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
