I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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