My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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