I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it was like eating out sand paper
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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