I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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