she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Panties = found
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
