I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
