from now on my penis is your penis
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i drank out of a bidet.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
