Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
