normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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