you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
