i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
