They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
