Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
