So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
