her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
