yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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