Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
