someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
How does one acquire holy water?
i now understand why vodka
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
