No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize