Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
