How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
