What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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