i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i drank out of a bidet.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
