y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You are the jesus of drinking
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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