He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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