found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
