I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
