guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
