You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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