i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
