I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
