Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
