how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She's the barista slut.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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