I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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