i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
