His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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