remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
