he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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