we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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