if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's blow job season.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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