i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
