no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
