I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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