She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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