6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
