I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
