when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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