He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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