My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
