What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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