i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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