I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
