We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
