Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
