now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
