Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
