i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
