I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
