i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize