what day is it and did you see me today?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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