I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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