great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
