Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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