Small penises have feelings too.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
