my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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