Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
