May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
