whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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